Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 341 - Nard Guard (TM)

If necessity is the mother of invention, fear of one's man-parts freezing and falling off is a close cousin.

After last night's frozen misadventure, I was determined to take advantage of the relatively warmer temperatures at lunchtime, and the bonus of the mood lifting sunshine. But all the determination in the world can't take me back in time, back to this morning when I packed my running bag with everything I needed except winter running briefs, or shorts, or anything to keep the twig and berries nestled close to the body where the heat is.

It was really cold (13F) and the wind chill was colder (3F). I had tights, good tights, but not arctic tights. That kind of cold whips right through regular tights. Anything dangling is going to get really cold, really fast.

I didn't want to postpone the run and be left with a run in the dark like last night. Something about the dark makes it feel even colder.

Short a pair of shorts, I scanned my office for something to act in their place. A "third sock" is a useful substitute, but I didn't have one. I've used a spare glove or an extra hat before, but I didn't have either of those, either. A colleague did have a hat, one he left unattended on his desk, but even I have boundaries. I found a T-shirt that I'd been given on my first day of work, but that would be too bulky to be workable. And, though it rarely stops me, I would look ridiculous. You know, with a T-shirt shoved down the front of my tights.

I needed something lightweight, appropriately sized.... Hmmmm.....


The can coozie. Of course! Neoprene is windproof. Size is workable.

What? No, I didn't wear it like that. That would be silly. It folds flat.

See, folds flat.

So yes, I geared up and shoved the coozie down my pants, and headed out into the cold.

I was pleasantly surprised how well it worked. Big Jim and the twins were well protected. So well protected that after a mile, I pulled it out.

What!? No! The coozie... I pulled the coozie out. Come on, this is a family blog...

Anyway, noticing that things were all warm down there, I removed the coozie. After just a couple tenths of a mile, it was apparent just how well my impromptu junk shield had been working. I put it back.

Once things got back to room temperature, I felt good enough to pick up the pace a bit, which was fun. Except for the fact that as I went faster, my new invention started to migrate south, down my leg, leaving Larry, Daryl, and Daryl vulnerable to the wind chill, AKA nature's Lorena Bobbitt.

Here's where the genius of the coozie as johnson protector becomes apparent.

In order for the coozie to form a cylinder when it's "fluffed up", when the coozie's flat the bottom forms a sort of keystone. And those notches were perfect anchor points for the drawstring in my tights.

Ta-dahhh. No more sliding south. Twice wrapped for security and the coozie hung in place like a hidden loincloth.

Eat it, MacGyver.

Almost giddy, I trotted back to the office, bummed that, because of a 1:00p meeting,  I couldn't go farther.

So goes the story of the invention of the combination Can Coozie/Nard Guard. Though really, once you go Nard Guard, I wouldn't go back to coozie.

Good running,

Numbers: 2.3 miles around the business park, quite comfortably